They See my Baggage

I went to my school gym one of those mornings. You know second semester, New-year resolution work out powwow. Anyway I found my weapon of choice, got on, made the necessary adjustments and began my 30 minutes workout. My eyes wandered because I had to keep my mind off the grueling exercise. So I looked around to see what could capture my interest or distract from my ordeal even for a short time.

Then I saw her. She was running on the track. She was bigger than me, dark skinned going at her pace but maintaining it. Her eyes shot straight forward, she wasn't distracted, she had a goal and she looked dead set on achieving it. Of course, I didn't think all these things at the time. On the contrary, I thought ‘Wow that girl is fatter than me’. And I’ll admit, the thought made me feel good.  I'm not proud of it, but rather than see the effort she was making at achieving her clear goal, I saw her weight; even though I had mine. I relished in it, daring to think that I was better than her, because I hadn't allowed myself get that big!

I'm extremely self-conscious, did I ever tell you? Matter of fact, starting this blog was a huge leap for me because I felt I would be putting myself out there and that was a scary thought. But I digress.    My self-consciousness is one of the reasons I hate going to the gym, when I did I stayed on the elliptical and it wasn't without reason. I felt awkward at the gym, I didn't think I looked good working out. I didn't look like those women in Nike ads with abs and good hair, still don’t to be honest. I was flabby, huge and I had terrible gym clothes. The elliptical was easy enough; I wouldn't look as awkward on it as with other exercise machines.

For most people trying to lose weight, there is a natural amount of self-consciousness. If you're Nigerian, it's especially true. Nigerians have no chill. We spew out whatever comes to mind with little sensitivity. Political correctness? Please what is that one? If you're offered food and you decline, "Oh you're watching your height?" If you eat junk food, "hmm as big as you are?" or "You don't like yourself" Everyone's an expert on how you should live your life. Maybe we judge others based on insecurities, deciding to see in what ways we may appear better than the next person so we feel good about ourselves. There are many reasons people try to lose weight. For me, it was because I felt I would be more attractive, I’d fit into clothes better and. While I cannot discount the boost of confidence a trimmer figure gives, I must say you remain essentially the same person bigger or smaller maintaining the same insecurities.

In dealing with my insecurities, I found one who saw the entire picture and that person wasn’t even me. I read HIS letters of love to me, and I began to see what HE saw. Yes I could improve on aspects of me. But I was not insignificant, I am not ugly, I am pretty amazing “… A prized jewel” and above all I was and am worth dying for. I know because someone already did. I was formed and called good by my maker. So were you, so was everyone and our insecurities only blind us from a very obvious truth. I can do anything, I’ll achieve every goal all I need to do is believe.

I would love a society with less vocally opinionated people. Skinny does not always mean Healthy and it’s time people stopped fat shaming. Yeah I said it. Believe me when I say, most people that are overweight are well aware. In fact a lot of us have tried or are trying to lose the weight. Some have resorted to unhealthy measures. The snide comments we make, helps nobody. I have always said, the goal here isn’t simply to lose weight. It’s to live and maintain a healthy well rounded life and believe me the weight will come off. A healthy life is for everyone, fat, skinny or in-between. 

Having said all that, we as individuals must realize that we cannot control what others think or say. We are only ever responsible for our actions. So wherever you are on this journey, it’s ok when they see your baggage. It’s part of your story, and whatever they say matters little. Buy some killa work out clothes. Pack your hair in a pretty practical way so you can ditch the bonnet when you work out. Carry yourself with confidence, you deserve to be there. Eat that piece of cake(in moderation) As long as you know who you are and most especially whose you are, you’re gold!